


Worn and Tattered

by shell_mel



Series: Love Makes You Stupid [4]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: 520 Day | Edward Elric/Roy Mustang Day, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Illy, M/M, P!nk - Freeform, Relationship Problems, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 12:52:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6908047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shell_mel/pseuds/shell_mel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another fight over Ed staying with the military while it continues to tear him down from the inside out ends in Roy going out drinking again. Is it finally over? Or could they still come back from this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tightrope

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Roy/Ed day! Not as happy as previous fics in this series, but I feel it's a true reflection of a relationship. They have their happy moments and ones where rock bottom would feel better then where they are now.
> 
> Lyrics from Illy's song 'Tightrope' and P!nk's song 'Try' are italicize. Not mine, just used in this story. Same of Roy and Ed are sadly not mine. Happy Roy/Ed Day everyone!

“You know I got nothing against you and the boss,” Havoc started causing Roy to look up. “But I honestly don’t get it. You two fight a lot. To the point where you’re out here drinking with me again. What was it even about this time?”

Roy sighed heavily before taking another sip of his whiskey. They did fight a lot.

“It’s hard to explain,” Roy breathed.

He’d left Ed at home tonight and gone out drinking due to another stupid argument. Not as bad their last one when Ed got home from the mission from hell, but still pretty bad.

“I got all night,” Havoc told him honestly as he ordered another round.

“I want Ed to leave the military,” Roy told him. “It’s tearing him down on the inside and out. I try to pick up the pieces after every crap mission they send him on, but it gets harder every time.”

Roy paused to take another sip of his whiskey.

“I love him,” Roy continued. “It hurts to watch them do this to him.”

“You used to do this to him,” Havoc reminded him.

“Not like this,” Roy insisted. “I avoided the worst of it whenever possible, but now they just send him on everything I had once avoided. The missions I did send him on, I honestly believed they would help him achieve what he was looking for, or I knew only he could do it so the people would come first.”

“What did Ed say?” Havoc asked.

“He seems to think if he isn’t there to deal with it,” Roy frowned. “Then no one would even try to save the people he tends to. At this point _I was like what you want me to do?_ Then _he was like what you want me to choose_ between saving lives and his mental health? You know what he’s like. He’s just a second thought in his own mind when there is someone he thinks needs him.”

“It was at this point things got pretty heated?” Havoc pushed.

“Heated is an understatement,” Roy snorted. “ _I was like well I didn’t say that, but you know help me help you_.”

“And Ed doesn’t think he needs help?” Havoc raised an eyebrow. “Even I can see what it’s doing to him and I don’t even see him every week.”

“It’s made his temper pretty bad,” Roy replied. “He’s an emotional wreck. You know what the last thing I said to him before I left tonight? _I’m on the balance beam to keep you happy_. What I really wanted to say was watching you come back broken every time is more than I can bear or _say fuck it, stay mad at me._ I honestly can’t say which one will come out when we get this bad.”

“And walking out to go drinking is better?” Havoc asked sceptically.

“Not really,” Roy admitted. “Better than if I had stayed home. We _know how that goes, drink, fight, patch things up in the back of a taxi_.”

“So why do you both stay together when you seem to be tearing each other down?” Havoc seemed confused beyond belief.

“Because he is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life,” Roy sighed as he finished his whiskey. “It’s his work that’s doing this to him. It’s not really him. He’s the most agile creature I’ve ever seen, you’ve seen the way he fights. _He can skate thin ice wheels and not once get wet_. And the most stubborn. If he put his mind to it _he could walk five miles in heels, not one foot out of step_.”

“But him being all that doesn’t mean you two are good together in a relationship,” Havoc pointed out. “What the hell would he be doing in heels?”

“True,” Roy admitted. “I should probably tell him all that. Might make him feel better. The thing about how amazing I think he is. Not the being together isn’t good for us. Maybe I’ll take him out to dinner _and I swear I’ll leave him swept off his feet_. It might help, but _it’s just our guess_ at this stage.”

“Boss would probably like that,” Havoc encouraged him.

“He would,” Roy agreed. “ _I’m falling hard on myself here_. I tend to put my foot in my mouth, no matter what my intentions are whenever I try to convince him to look at our career options. I’m in over my head. _Yeah. Over my head_.”

“Have you spoken to Al?” Havoc asked. “Maybe he could help? At least then Ed might not feel like it’s always an attack or whatever whenever you say it.”

“If I try that then I know I’m _headed for the deep end_ ,” Roy laughed as he signalled for a refill. “I can see how that goes. _Thursday we fight and forget it by the weekend_. Nah. I’m a _fast learner_. _I figured out quick with him it’s not the getting it’s the keeping_. I start pulling Al into this and keeping will definitely be harder.”

“How is keeping him hard?” Havoc frowned. “He doesn’t seem the type to be fickle.”

“He’s not,” Roy told him. “It’s cause _he’s a gem, so everyone wants him shinning with them._ We go out and I’m always warning them off. Ed says I’m _getting my_ inner _bulldog on_. One even called me a _bro_ while trying to pull Ed away from me. I had to tell him to _mind his step_ and to _keep it on your side of the fence_.”

“He called you a what?” Havoc laughed.

“Bro,” Roy grinned. “Despite him trying to make a move on Ed it was pretty funny.”

“Tell me about the good times,” Havoc grinned. “You got to have some good times or something awesome about your relationship. Otherwise it’s just starting to sound depressing.”

“I don’t know if it’s a positive,” Roy smiled at the though. “But there was a lot of trust. And that was positive. As an alchemist, we guard our theories very carefully. To show them to someone else means a lot in a relationship. It’s something very important to both of us. _I show him my theories one last once. Smile if he likes, laugh if it sucks_.”

“ _Cold blooded_ ,” Havoc mused.

“ _He’s_ always _the first in my corner_ though,” Roy reminded him. “ _But now, what’s that if it ain’t called love_.”

“Never quiet heard love phrased like that before,” Havoc shrugged. “But you alchemists are all a little weird. Whatever floats your boat.”

“ _When it’s all said and done_ ,” Roy drank the rest of his whiskey before standing up a little unsteadily. “ _Baby ain’t happy till my heads spun_.”

“I’ll tell the Boss you called him that,” Havoc grinned.

“And I’ll have you on toilet cleaning duty for a month,” Roy grinned back as he paid their tab.

“You done for the night then?” Havoc asked.

“Yeah,” Roy said as he stumbled towards the door. “I want to get in a good walk home before I try talking to Ed again.”

“He’ll probably be pissed you left to go drinking again,” Havoc said as he followed him out.

“Probably,” Roy agreed. “ _So I might get lucky_ or _I might get none_. Either way it will _be like I’m back at square one_.”

 

* * *

 

“Brother,” Al sighed loudly over the phone. “Please tell me what’s wrong. You’ve been dodging me all week. Just because I’m not in the country right now doesn’t mean you can ignore me.”

“I’m not ignoring you,” Ed pouted. “I called you didn’t I?”

“Did you have another fight with Roy?” Al guessed.

“No,” Ed said automatically.

“Edward,” Al said sternly.

“Maybe a little one,” Ed admitted. “He’s being a controlling asshole.”

“What about you?” Al asked.

“What do you mean what about me?!” Ed growled back.

“Brother, during our phone calls I have noticed you seem…” Al paused for a moment while he considered his words. “Agitated. Constantly.”

“I am not,” Ed muttered.

“Edward,” Al said getting the stern voice back on.

“Maybe a little,” Ed amended. “Work is… hard at the moment. There are a lot of chimeras right now.”

“Human?” Al asked carefully.

“Yeah,” Ed said quietly.

“Brother,” Al said gently. “Have you considered looking for different work?”

“Not you too!” Ed moaned.

“Has this been what you two have been fighting about?” Al hit the nail on head.

“Maybe,” Ed sighed. “I’m working on a separation theory, Al. I need to go on the chimera cases to try and test it. No one else is going to bother. No one else cares enough to try.”

“Edward,” Al said gently again. “It’s not up to you to save the world.”

“I’m not saving anyone,” Ed said quietly. “I have a survival rate of zero.”

“Brother,” Al started. “I know this means a lot to you, but knowing you? It’s probably tearing you apart. Never mind what it’s probably doing to your relationship with Roy.”

“Nothing new,” Ed shrugged. “We fight, he goes out drinking and I work on my theories.”

“That’s not healthy,” Al commented. “That’s not fair on you that he leaves. It’s not fair that you probably make him feel like he has to. It’s only a matter of time of before one of you break.”

“I feel like I falling,” Ed sighed. “Or just about to. I’m so tired, Al. I’m so tired of all the fighting and feeling like shit. It’s like… _Yeah. It’s like I’m walking on a tightrope and every step could be the one where I fall_.”

“Brother,” Al sighed. “You can’t run head long into anything anymore. Roy was really good at helping you hold things together when we were younger, but even he has his limits.”

“Al,” Ed said quietly. “I don’t know what to do anymore. _It’s like I’m running with a blindfold and I can’t help but feel that I’m about to lose control_.”

“You’ll make yourself sick, Brother.” Al told him. “If you keep this up.”

“I already feel sick,” Ed admitted. “It’s hard to sleep. Especially when Roy isn’t here or I’m away. All I’m doing is _rolling_ around the bed _with my eyes closed._ ”

“Brother…” Al said softly, sounding sad.

“I thought I could help people…” Ed told Al. “People like Nina. _And I could be wrong, but I don’t know_. Scar always said it couldn’t be done… But we’ve done the impossible, I just thought I could do it again.”

“Brother,” Al repeated. “You can come back to this research, but maybe now is not a good time to continue it. It’s obvious you’re not coping. You’re going to have to make a choice; this research or your own health and relationship with Roy. You call after nearly every fight now, especially the big one where you actually packed a suitcase and left. How much more of this can your relationship take?”

“ _I don’t know_ ,” Ed swallowed. “I don’t want to lose him Al. I love him. I really do.”

“Then show him you love him,” Al said firmly. “Start by using some of that paid leave you’ve never used and think about what the hell else you could do apart from letting the military rot you from the inside out.”

Ed was silent for a moment.

“Brother?” Came Al’s voice down the end of the phone.

“I’m take the leave,” Ed sighed heavily. “I’ll go in tomorrow and demand the paperwork. I’ll demand a copy of it and give it to Roy, so he knows how much I love him and I’m sorry and shit…”

Ed could hear Al sighing heavily down the other end of the line. There may have almost been a very quiet laugh.

“What was that?” Ed frowned.

“Nothing, Brother.” Al assured him. “It’s just your idea of romance leaves a lot to be desired.”

“Fuck off!” Ed growled before pausing for a moment and adding quietly. “And thanks… For listening and shit.”

“Love you too, Brother.”


	2. Try

The walk home was long, but it needed to be. The fresh air was clearing his head. It was make or break tonight. Their relationship couldn’t take much more of this. Roy had to either accept Ed’s decision or finally convince him to leave the military. There was no doubt that if Roy accepted Ed’s decision their relationship would dissolve in the near future as Ed continued to tear himself apart. Then what would happen to Ed? Would he manage okay by himself? Especially with Al so far away at this point and time?

 _Ever wonder about what he’s doing?_ Havoc had asked him that as they left the bar. Roy has asked him what he meant. Havoc responding with asking if he ever wondered about what Ed was doing while Roy was out drinking. Was he just tearing himself down further? Was he coming to a decision or a breaking point all by himself?

Roy knew that Ed worked on his theories while Roy was out drinking. However, he never thought about what had been going on in Ed’s mind while Roy was gone. What if he had reached his breaking point and Roy wasn’t there? That scared Roy more then he cared to admit out loud.

It was a relief to arrive home and see the lights were still on. This meant Ed was probably up and this conversation didn’t have to wait any longer than necessary. The idea of putting it off just raised Roy’s anxiety levels about the whole situation. Roy tried the door and found it open. He steeled himself for a moment before opening the door. He had kind of expected Ed to be sitting on the steps, but the space was empty.

Quietly, in case Ed was asleep, Roy started to search the house. It was oddly similar to the night Roy had come home and Ed had been gone. His heart plunged into his stomach at the thought. It was a relief to find Ed in the dining room at the big table that they never really used. Normally, they used the small one in the kitchen unless they had company. Sometimes Ed did use the table for his research due to the large table space, but it was oddly empty. Though the waste basket Ed had brought down from the study wasn’t. Crumbled balls of paper had filled and was now overflowing, especially when Ed just added another one to it before sighed loudly.

“Edward?” Roy asked quietly. “What are you doing, love?”

Ed turned suddenly, obviously not having heard Roy coming in, looking surprised.

“You’re home?” Ed asked and suddenly looked at the clock. “Fuck.”

“Was I not meant to come home?” Roy asked with a slight frown.

“I just lost track of time,” Ed whipped his face with his hands.

“Edward,” Roy said softly as he took Ed’s hand a seat next to him. “We need to talk, love.”

“I know,” Ed hung his head so his bangles covered his face.

“I’m so worried about you,” Roy admitted. “All the time. Whether you’re here or on a mission. It’s clear you’re not okay, even when you say you are.”

“I just…” Ed started before he stopped and tried again. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. For it to get like this. All the fighting and shit. I just wanted to help them. I thought I could do some good… _I don’t know how it all turned to lies_ …”

“ _Sometimes I think that it’s better to never ask why_ ,” Roy gave Ed’s hands a squeeze. “I believe that you just wanted everything to be okay so you would tell me you were okay. And for a long time I believed you. _Funny how the heart can be deceiving more than just a couple times_.”

“I love you,” Ed whispered. “You know that right? That was never a lie. I promise. But why does this feel so wrong? _Why do we fall in love so easy? Even when it’s not right?_ ”

“What do you mean it’s not right?” Roy panicked.

It couldn’t be over yet. They were talking. They were going to make this right.

“I love you,” Roy gently tilted Ed’s head up to reveal tears in his eyes.

“I’m ruining everything,” Ed sobbed quietly. “Don’t you _ever worry that it might be ruined_?”

“Oh, Ed.” Roy pulled Ed into his embrace. “Have you been sitting here trying to write a goodbye letter or something? Please don’t tell me that you’re giving up.”

It hurt so much to think that Ed might have just put a letter on the table and left.

“No,” Ed shook his head and pushed them apart slightly to look Roy in the eye. “I was trying to write my resignation.”

“Your what?” Roy was stunned. “Is that what all these are? What made you change your mind?”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Ed sniffed. “I don’t want to give up on what I’m doing, but you’re more important than that. I know it hasn’t seemed like I think that lately. I’ve been so shitty to you.”

“ _And does it make you wanna cry_?” Roy asked as he took Ed’s face in his hands to wipe away the tears. “You’ve been pushing yourself so hard, Ed. Even the people in my office can see you’re getting worn down by it all. Don’t you see that _when you’re out there doing what you’re doing_? I often wonder how _are you just getting by_?”

“What about you?” Ed turned it back to Roy. “When I’m out there doing what I’m doing or I’m here yelling at you for stupidest shit? _Tell are you just getting by_?”

“ _By_?” Roy sighed. “No. I’m not getting _by_. You hurt me when you do this to yourself. Then I hurt you when I say something stupid back or leave. I can’t believe how many times I left. I can’t even begin to imagine how much being alone wouldn’t have helped. Especially when you were so consumed with your guilt for something that was never your fault.”

“I never even got the chance to try and save her,” Ed closed his eyes. “Then I just keep fucking it up when I try to save someone else.”

“Then don’t,” Roy caressed Ed’s face gently before tucking a bangle behind his ear. “Save yourself. Help me save us.”

“But I’ve been hurting you,” Ed tried to look away, but Roy wouldn’t let him.

“ _Where there is desire_ ,” Roy said gently. “ _There is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame someone’s bound to get burned. But just because it burns_ it _doesn’t mean you’re gonna die.”_

Roy gently placed a kiss on Ed’s forehead before pulling close again.

“We always knew we would fight,” Roy explained. “That was no surprise, but the fact you’re trying to make things right means this isn’t going to die. Not today anyway.”

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you,” Ed tightened his hold on Roy. “ _I had to get up and try, and try, and try_. I don’t think I would last long if I lost you. You’ve been so great putting up with all my stupid moods.”

“You’re moods aren’t stupid,” Roy sighed. “Frustrating, hurtful and harmful, but never stupid. I don’t blame you for pushing yourself so hard; I had to reach you before you went somewhere I couldn’t follow. I just had to _get up and try, and try, and try_. We can make this work. I’ll help you find something you want to do, even if it means you want to travel or something. I would miss you like hell but…”

“ _We’ve_ just _gotta get up and try_ ,” Ed finished for him. “ _And try, and try_. We’re too stubborn after all.”

“Way too stubborn,” Roy agreed. “But that’s why we can make this work.”

“I love you,” Ed said. “I’m so sorry for being a shit. I’m so tired of feeling like shit.”

“You once gave me all of you,” Roy reminded him. “I take the good with the bad because I love you too. Just like you put up with me being idiot too. We’ll work it out.”

Roy didn’t know how long they sat there for, but when they did eventually move up to the bedroom they held each other. It took so long for them both to fall asleep. Their relationship was worn and tattered, but it could be fixed. It would be fixed. They just had to try.


End file.
